The waiting game & why it matters

We all have dreams for the future… and we plan exactly how and when we’ll get there. But what if you haven’t had your break? Are you still waiting for your moment? 

The more I live, the more I learn that divine destiny has a way of making you wait; especially for the things you desire most. For years, I planned every detail of how I would achieve my dreams (of someday winning Miss World America, graduating with a degree, traveling the world and meeting the love of my life along the way). It all sounded so wonderful to me… and I was ready to strategically conquer each step.

In the last two years particularly, I learned that the journey would be far from easy. Toss in a mixture of rejection, setbacks and finding out that some of the things I thought I wanted turned out to be the opposite of what I really needed, and I found myself worrying that some of my dreams might never come to fruition. Even when I did accomplish what I wanted (like winning Miss World America 2015), a lingering sense of dissatisfaction hung over me. I always felt like I was running out of time… to live, love and be someone.

I determined that happiness was a destination. One day, when I finally “got this”, “did that” or “went there”, I would be happy.

The more I talked to friends and mentors, I realized that SO many of us feel this same way. We always want more. Living in a world of instant gratification, it is increasingly easy to feel like the life you’re living is not enough.

I’m here to tell you… from personal experience of living like this for WAY too long, be patient with yourself and enjoy NOW. Have faith in the process- and whatever is meant to be will come naturally, in the best time, and you’ll be ready for it.

patience

You will meet the person you were meant to love… but maybe you need to work on yourself a little more first.

You will get your big break… but maybe this is not the right time. Don’t get so wrapped up in “success” that you forget to find joy in simply living and growing.

Your hard work will pay off… stay consistent. Stay steadfast. People will notice the difference in you, just not immediately.

In a world that inundates us with the, “you can do anything now” message, remember that it took nine months to create you, a year for you to learn how to walk, and up to three before you could even speak. Time is on your side- it always has been. Find happiness right now, exactly where you are. It’s where you’re meant to be.

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The TRUTH About Why I’m No Longer Engaged

This is a tough post to write. I debated not saying anything to spare myself the embarrassment and judgment, but I know that this needs to be said. It’s the right thing to do.

It has been two months since I decided to cancel the wedding. At this point, my closest friends and family have been notified of my choice and have been so supportive during this process. However, I wanted to let the truth be known to the public about why this happened before rumors begin to swirl. In the simplest of terms, I was abused, taken advantage of and scared to admit itI finally have the courage to write this post in hopes that a woman like me will read this and know that it’s never too late to leave. You deserve your prince. So wait for the perfect man, wait for what you deserve! And NEVER let a man make you his victim. 

In the two months I was engaged, I completely lost myself, blinded by love. Between the arguments, guilt trips, name calling and downright mental and emotional abuse, I felt my inner light dimming. I won’t get into specifics, but I will say that he put me through absolute hell, and made me feel guilty for it. He used God and Christianity to remind me that I should forgive himlove him despite his anger, and not judge him. And for a while, it worked. I started to tell myself, “Maybe God put me here so that I can help him. I have to stand by him.”

Looking back, I realize that my biggest mistake was allowing and accepting, even enabling someone to lure me into games I could never win. I knew I should’ve been treated better, yet I allowed disrespect because I loved him, and I thought I could eventually fix his insecurities. Instead, I was consumed and turned into a person I didn’t recognize- saying and doing things that don’t reflect who I am. That’s what happens when you’re pushed into a corner by intimidation. I felt defeated, ugly, hopeless and angry. Finally, I decided that enough was enough.

Since our breakup, he’s continued to reveal his true colors- from harassing my friends to posting mean things on social media, to sending me hate messages. It amazes me how someone can put up such a believable front to the world. Completely normal at face value, but absolutely cold to his core.

As someone who values the lifelong commitment of marriage, I learned that my past circumstances were not what I wanted from my future marriage. My parents have been together since high school and married for 25 years. They have taught me what a strong, healthy, beautiful bond between husband and wife looks like; love and respect at the center. That is the kind of marriage we all deserve. The truth is that you can’t fix anyone. You are in charge of your own happiness. And that’s what I knew I had to do- take charge of my happiness. 

Thank you to all of my family, friends and loved ones who have supported me through this part of my life. I also thank God for giving me the strength to do what’s right and move on.

Abuse isn’t always physical. If you or someone you know is dealing with emotional, physical or mental abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE